just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
