bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
