she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
