tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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