I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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