Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
