and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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