Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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