Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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