honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
