Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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