Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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