She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
