Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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