I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
