Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
