Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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