I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
