I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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