3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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