I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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