Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
