im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
