you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I AM VODKA MAN
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
