i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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