Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.