You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
