Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
