What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
