This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
