Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
