If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
