Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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