just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
