theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
