I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
