I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
