Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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