Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
