Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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