i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
