He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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