My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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