I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
