Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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