my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
