my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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