I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Operation Purity has been aborted
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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