I wish I could punch you in the face.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
how do flat chested girls get laid?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We need a shit load of segways right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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