So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
