Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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