almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
