just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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