I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I wish there were birth control emojis
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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