bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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