When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
