the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
