I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
