Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
