fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
where are my eyebrows?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
